When the ex refers to you

People are most likely wondering how I moved on. I just noticed that one of my last posts was about how I was still madly in love with him, well rather, I was struggling to get over him.

Well, he finished paying back the money that he owed me. He then sent me a few texts asking for his stuff back. The way that he phrased the text messaged just wound me up the wrong way. He was all cold hearted, wanting money if I didn’t have his stuff or if I had damaged it.

Now. Hold up. Have I taken the high road? Yep. Have I had a few questionable moments? Of course. But I have ALWAYS been the better person out of the two of us through this whole thing.

So anyways, I respond that no, he would never get a penny out of me, and yes I have his stuff but I would need a bit of time to look for it. I had moved house.

Now through all of this, he started ranting online about me. Somewhere that he wasn’t registered under his name. He told his cronies that the money had been a gift, basically made out that he was a saint for paying me back. Then he did the worst thing ever. He called me a c**t. Now you may have noticed how I don’t usually block out swear words, but this word is so repulsive to me that I just had to do it.

So that was it. I blocked him from whatsapp, deleted him from FB, texted him the next day to say that his stuff was in work.

This is where it got interesting. I left them in work while I got my colonoscopy. I got back. They were still there. For weeks, they were still there.

So on Thursday I bagged them up. Marched over to his work and left them at reception. I didn’t think it took that much guts until I did it. I left and realised that I am a badass.

I texted him “Your things are down in reception in your job” his reply “Oh. okay thanks”

The next day I woke up to a reminder on my phone. It was Stephens birthday.

I took the higher road and ended up sticking it to the man.

So this is how I moved from blogging about the dickhead and started blogging about the new dickhead.

Getting under

Is the only way to get over someone to get under someone else?

The closest I have gotten to getting over him was when I was dating someone else. But then they were assholes. Fact is, do I need to fuck someone else?

He probably has, he has gotten over me grand. Infact, he has kissed two girls and gotten shit faced in two nights. I on the other hand, have spent two nights at home. I have enjoyed it and my body really needed it but it isn’t moving on.

What is moving on anyway? Not caring about him anymore? Not angry or upset when I think about him? Or just fucking someone else?

God only knows! I really want someone to tell me how to move on. Please. Anyone. Just tell me.

Sometimes I wish I was a man, they seem to be able to switch off so much quicker. Well. That is unless you are my mothers ex, they just seem to stay around (apart from the most recent one; the one that she wanted to keep around).

With my first boyfriend, I never lived with him, I had never given everything to him. I never had a joint bank account with him. I hadn’t planned a wedding. With him I did all of this. I just don’t know how I will ever give myself to anyone else. I don’t know how I will trust someone so completely again after I made such a shit judgement?

The thought of going furniture shopping with someone and getting excited about getting keys to a new home with someone, feels so foreign. Actually makes me want to puke.

Thing is, this all kicked off in May. It is now October. How long until I feel normal? Will it be a year? Will a year pass when I am not treading on old memories, I am making new ones?

I am already dreading going away, my first without him. Or Christmas… unpacking the decorations that we bought for our first together. I Cannot even imagine having a Christmas without him. We spent last Christmas with his family after waking up and going to sleep in our apartment with presents under our tree. Who will carry my real tree?

I am just so fed up of this. He is back at home. We had memories there, but he had memories with other people there too, it isn’t just me and him memories. Not like my whole life at the moment. Purely me and him memories.

So Many Words

Ever have those times that you are so full of words but just cannot find a coherent flow for them?

Ye, well this is me at the moment. There is so much to talk about, being beaten to a job with more money by an ex co worker with less experience (because he is a man)… my birthday and people letting me down… the ex just being my ex… my stomach deciding to spend Thursday evening puking… I could go on.

Basically, I am tired and fed up. I am heading away in just over a week so that is something to look forward to, I am a little broke though.

I am just not feeling life, I am not suicidal or anything, I just don’t want to deal. I want to pick up everything and disappear for a while. I need my ex not to matter, I need him not to exist. I need to be doing more amazing things then him, I need to have an amazing LIFE without him. At the moment, I am living and I have moments of having a life, but I need a life. I need an amazing life without him.

I need to watch a show and not think about him. I need to lie in bed and not miss him. I need to get a text and not think that it is going to be him. I need to not think about him in a day. I need to not mention him in a day.

Thing is, he is still part of my life. The past is too much a part of my present. I am well and truly in his past. It is a strange thing that guys can do, but he has done it perfectly. I believe he has just switched off. Or he just stopped caring.

Anyway. A friend let me down. She is a little self-absorbed but she told me she knew she had been and promised to change. This is a year ago and she is back at her old tricks. She has someone else on the scene so suddenly a friend becomes a lot less important.

I can explain why my birthday was so important this year. I know I am 26. It isn’t a big birthday, no one really gives a fuck about that. But I do. I have had the year from hell. Absolute hell. I needed my friends around me. In the past month I have had a flare and two important dates, our anniversary and my birthday. Both I had to do alone. I never thought I would have a birthday single. I spent most of my day thinking about what we had done on previous years.

Fact is, part of him is turning into the man I wanted, another part is turning into the type of man I hate.

I am trying desperately to not make this another post about my ex. But it seems like that is not working for me! ­čśŤ

L’s birthday

So we had a bit of a shindig. It was kind of  joint thing, for her and another German person on the same programme. A birthday night and a chance for them to say goodbye to the friends that they have made since being here before they go off on their road-trip.

It was really good fun. I knew that L was going to be homesick so I made a bit of effort for her. I emailed my friend that I knew from years ago that I knew took German in college and asked him to translate a message into German asking L’s sister if the family has any traditions for birthdays.

It turns out that the sister speaks English and she sent me a picture of a cake that L’s mother makes every year. So I tried to make an imitation of the cake. It didn’t end up aswell as her mothers would have but I think I did a pretty good job.

So we went to our friends house Y. He has a really nice apartment and he let us invite people around. So we had a full house. I got sloshed. There was lots of Germans and myself and an American guy O decided it would be a good time to do a “Don’t mention the war” moment from Fawlty Towers. Luckily no one noticed.

Anyway my dry patch continues. I would say it is the longest one in the world but J has had one for longer (I can say this on here because she is the only one that reads it).

Anyway I liked O, but he was running hot and then cold. Pain in the arse. And the guy that I met at the 70th still hasn’t asked me out even though we have been in constant contact. Ok I know he is quite a bit older than me but still. I AM HOT! Aren’t I?

I am thinking that maybe I a reeking of desperation.

So we left Y’s house and went to a house party that was being broken up by the police. We lost one of L’s friends. She had been pushed down the stairs in the rush to get out of the door and had badly hurt her head. It would have been really bad only she kept on saying “They pushed me. It wasn’t my fault” It was hilarious!

So we left that party and had breakfast in this amazing little cafe called Glo’s. Check it out. Their eggs are amazing!

Turning 70

It is not usually something I think about but having just help set up a birthday bash for L’s host Mam for her 70th I got to thinking.

What do I want my life to have looked like when I reach that age? Well I want my family, I love my family I really do, I want children and I suppose grandchildren too at that age.

I was talking to a guy about grandchildren and why people love them so much. I think it is because you don’t have to bring them up. You have them and give them back at the end of the day. You are not responsible for telling them off, you are there to spoil them rotten. Well this is the theory of a 22 year old. And I am convinced my Nanna loves me more. Continue reading