Can words help?

I haven’t spoken to my cousin in a very long time. We grew up as siblings would but then I moved to Ireland and he didn’t.

Neither of us had fathers, but I have my Mam and as much as I love my auntie, she isn’t as strong as my mother would be. Her heart just isn’t the same. She is fundamentally a bit of a selfish being, while my mother is a fundamentally giving person.

Anyway. I probably have mentioned it at some point. My cousin said some hurtful words to me while I was at my lowest ebb about five years ago. I have brought it up with him and he called me a liar. So I kind of washed my hands of him.

Now. He suffers with depression too. He has been going through a time lately that has made him want to end his life. As much as I didn’t want to get involved the only thing I felt that I could do without giving too much of myself away was to copy and paste a blog post from when I was at one of my lowest points. To try and show him that he has to fix it himself. To show him that it can be done.

I don’t know if my words will make any change. I don’t know if he will man up and admit that he was wrong. I know nothing about any of that, but I do know that I have done the best I can without compromising myself.

Depression

The thing about depression, is that it hits you when you are not expecting it. It can happen while you have been feeling happy, it can hit you when you are feeling sad.

This time it has hit me when all the good things have been happening. I moved house, I met my half brother. And them slam bam lam I am depressed.

Thing is, I know the reason for it this time. My neighbour moved home, she had invited me up to hers for the night, we made plans, she forgot to confirm with her mother, she bailed yesterday AFTER I reminded her. There was family around in her home so I couldn’t go. That’s fine, I just don’t want to be the one to remind someone.  Then there was a whole thing about plans for drinks with work. Everyone bailed. I am just fed up of the whole thing. I had amazing plans and then they fell through.

That coupled with the fact that my new place is so fucking freezing that I am thrown back to the God awful days when this blog was started. When I lived with Mam and her ex and we didn’t have enough money for heating. This isn’t the case here, but I am after moving in with girls that work mad hours and a lot of nights. So I am alone in a freezing house. I have a week of work and nothing to fill my time, and to make things worse Mam is in Paris.

So I am at a loss, thinking about the past. Missing my ex, wanting nothing more then for him to find out where I live, knock on my door, take me in his arms and keep me warm. I am in a new house, he has never been here and that sucks.

Plus it is right around the corner from our first apartment. I pass it every day. I went to our pizza place today. Where we had our one and only date that he surprised me with. And I got a take away. I saw a couple and it was everything I could do not to cry.

I miss you Stephen. I miss you and I know that I shouldn’t and I know that you will never keep me warm in bed again. But I want it so badly right now. I want to go back one whole year. One whole year, I was sick but I didn’t know what was wrong. We lived together. We were going to spend Christmas together (and we did). We bought our very first tree.

I spent two days with my half brother. And the only person I wanted to talk to about it was you. I wanted to call you Stephen and tell you.

You attacked me, bullied me, turned me into a shadow of myself. And I loved you with every inch. I adored you and I wanted you. You broke me in the most sinister way possible.

And now I am depressed again. Months later, I am feeling it again. Please let this end.

So Many Words

Ever have those times that you are so full of words but just cannot find a coherent flow for them?

Ye, well this is me at the moment. There is so much to talk about, being beaten to a job with more money by an ex co worker with less experience (because he is a man)… my birthday and people letting me down… the ex just being my ex… my stomach deciding to spend Thursday evening puking… I could go on.

Basically, I am tired and fed up. I am heading away in just over a week so that is something to look forward to, I am a little broke though.

I am just not feeling life, I am not suicidal or anything, I just don’t want to deal. I want to pick up everything and disappear for a while. I need my ex not to matter, I need him not to exist. I need to be doing more amazing things then him, I need to have an amazing LIFE without him. At the moment, I am living and I have moments of having a life, but I need a life. I need an amazing life without him.

I need to watch a show and not think about him. I need to lie in bed and not miss him. I need to get a text and not think that it is going to be him. I need to not think about him in a day. I need to not mention him in a day.

Thing is, he is still part of my life. The past is too much a part of my present. I am well and truly in his past. It is a strange thing that guys can do, but he has done it perfectly. I believe he has just switched off. Or he just stopped caring.

Anyway. A friend let me down. She is a little self-absorbed but she told me she knew she had been and promised to change. This is a year ago and she is back at her old tricks. She has someone else on the scene so suddenly a friend becomes a lot less important.

I can explain why my birthday was so important this year. I know I am 26. It isn’t a big birthday, no one really gives a fuck about that. But I do. I have had the year from hell. Absolute hell. I needed my friends around me. In the past month I have had a flare and two important dates, our anniversary and my birthday. Both I had to do alone. I never thought I would have a birthday single. I spent most of my day thinking about what we had done on previous years.

Fact is, part of him is turning into the man I wanted, another part is turning into the type of man I hate.

I am trying desperately to not make this another post about my ex. But it seems like that is not working for me! 😛

Celebrating

Tonight I am celebrating a lot. I am celebrating reaching over 50 subscribers (OMG thank you you guys!), and I am celebrating so much more. 

I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. They are my second parents and I love them to bits. I don’t get to see them a lot but we just had a lovely time. 

It was really fancy but that wasn’t what made it lovely, it was the fact that we just chatted about life and laughed and just appreciated that we had each other in our lives. 

They told me that I looked like the “old me” and that I was happy, radiant in a way that I hadn’t been in years. They told me that they were proud of me for getting through everything and for being strong. 

I am just so grateful that I have such amazing friends and family. Everyone cares about me apart from my ex. Doesn’t that show that he isn’t worth caring about? It isn’t me. I wasn’t the drama. 

My auntie said that she thinks that we will be better off apart. My reply was “I will be but he won’t”. My uncle smiled and agreed with me. 

Fact is. I can do better. I will do better. I am so strong. I have taken four knocks this year. Big knocks. And do you know what? I am told every day I look well even when I am dying of a cold. I am told I am kind and caring. I am told I am funny even when life looks desperate. I am told all of these things. So much positive to celebrate in my life. I am not going to give my ex the power to take that away with nasty words and actions. 

Will he ever get better then me? I doubt it. Probably get someone more like him but I am a catch. It might take him years to realise it. But he is back in his parents and he will probably date and screw around. He might meet someone he likes but he will never meet another me. He will never do as well as me. 

I am celebrating being ok. I am ok. I am going to be ok. I am smiling in my soul 🙂

Waking up

So every morning I am happy when I wake up. I am happy because I slept through the night. I also generally just love being in bed.

Then slowly my senses come to. I realise the person in the bathroom isn’t the love of my life (or so I thought) it is my mam. And my whole world comes crashing down yet again.

It is a feeling I dress everyday. A feeling of sickness in my stomach and my heart sinking. I can’t do anything about it. I cannot be with him.

My mam says that even if he came back now it wouldn’t work. I would never forgive him. But I have forgiven a lot more from her and him.

I told him I don’t want him back. And mostly I mean it but when I wake and feel so alone. Some days the thing that I uses to look forward to was a hug and kiss from my hairy bear. The thought of that kept me going for the whole day.

He was my sunshine. My only sunshine. He made me happy. When skies were grey.

Porn

Can it ruin a relationship? 

More to the point… will I let it ruin mine? 

Okay so it actually isn’t the porn that is bothering me. It is the lies attached to it. When we were going through some of the drama in our relationship (read below, I will not bore you with the details AGAIN) I rightly – or wrongly asked my boy not to watch porn. 

Because of comments that he had made to me about sex with other girls, how he would stare blankly at other women in the street, to name but a few problems, my self-esteem was at an all-time low. 

I found it hard to strip off, I found it hard to look in the mirror. Ffs I even posted pictures of the girls that I thought that he wanted to be with. 

Porn was also effecting our sex life. He was removed from it sometimes. Just going through the motions, and even the dirty stuff, I felt like I was just an extra in the porno that was playing in his head. 

So about 9 months ago I asked him not to watch it anymore. He would watch it A LOT. Whenever he was “bored” in fact and it was just wearing me down with everything else going on. 

He agreed and I had no reason to doubt him, until I found out he lied. 

Now this is a small lie yes. But a lie that was added on top of all the bigger lies. A lie that could have been a simple “You know what Shin? I am finding this porn thing difficult and I watched it last night.” And then we could have discussed it like adults and hopefully the problem wouldn’t have become worse. 

But no. He lied. And then I believed him again. And he lied again. So naturally the third time works a charm and up until last month I didn’t believe him. But he insisted. I found no damning evidence and I LIKE A FOOL believed and trusted him all over again. 

Well. I am definitely the fool this time. I found stuff. He admitted to it last month. Again because he was “bored” and a simple admission of the fact would have done him so many favours  But instead I am treated like the demon. He is ignoring me, even though we are in the same room. And now I am PISSED. 

Funny thing is, I have had a really bad day today with thinking about his and our past. I felt very low in my self-worth and very unattractive. I put it down to feeling a bit under the weather. But I know that my gut always tells me when there is something to find. And do you know what? BINGO. 

I need to do this

I need to fix things in my life. I need to do them for myself. I just need to find the strength to do it. 

I don’t like me at the moment and I particularly hate my life. I have a brick wall in front of my face. An ugly, breeze block wall. I am hitting my head against it. I cannot scale it. I cannot knock it down. It is there to stay and I feel small and useless. 

It is like I am continually trying to everything that I can to improve the shit that I seemed to inherit and nothing I do makes even the smallest dent. It is so bad that someone can say something so simple like “You have a nice sense of humour” and I will smile for a week. This is just a sample of how much I feel that I am stuck. 

The last time I felt happy and safe was when I was 14. I had a home then. A place that I felt safe. I had a family close by and friends that I thought I would have forever. Two of those friends are now engaged (to each other) I found out through Facebook. I will not be invited. When I was 14 I was maid of honour. Now I don’t even make the guest list. 

In fact. I know no one that would make me maid of honour. I might be lucky to maybe make two bridal parties (at very best) but even then I would come fairly down in the list.

I was told a few weeks ago (by someone that I had never met before but is a friend of a friend) that “no one likes you anyway”. This went on to the Boy telling me that I seem to have trouble with a lot of people. It must be my fault. I must rub people up the wrong way. 

This is something that I have battled with since my Dad put his new family before me. Since I was in reception in school and I had no female friends because one girl decided that no one was allowed to hang out with me. 

I have had girls stab me in the back. I have had boys call me a prick tease because I had no option then to become friends with boys because no girl would have anything to do with me. I have been manipulated. I have been controlled. I have been physically and mentally abused.

I never ever ever feel like enough. I never feel confident. I will walk away from a social situation and want to just curl into a ball with the worry that I have made yet another enemy without even realising it. 

I cannot even count the amount of times that I have cried myself to sleep. I cannot tell you the amount of panic attacks that I have had. And, even worse then this. I cannot count the amount of times I have contemplated finishing it all. The grief of my mother and my sort-of dad is the only thing that stops me from doing it sometimes. 

You see. Fundamentally. I am a kind and considerate person. I don’t want to cause anyone any harm. I will bend over backwards to help someone that might have tried to destroy my soul a year ago. 

I have been told so many times that I am just too sensitive. 

I am in a relationship that brings out the worst in me. I am in love with someone that I will do ANYTHING for. In exchange. My soul is getting chipped away at. I cannot carry on putting someone else first. I need to do something. Anything. He isn’t going to change is he?

One day I will tell you the whole story. 

I found myself

Crossing the road without looking today. When I realised what I had been doing, I didn’t care.

I should be worried. But I am not. Honestly. The way I feel. If I had been knocked down, at least it would be a change.

I am miserable.  The boy is miserable because of me too. But on top of that. I don’t believe it is all me. He is doing things and making choices that are hurting me. I have a go at him; but then go above and beyond what is appropriate. Therefore making him hurt just as much as I am.

But then I start to feel worse because I feel like I am driving him away. I have walked around a supermarket in tears today.

Being home

So I will inform you on NYC at a later date.

At the moment I am re-adjusting to being home. It is not the best feeling in the world. After looking forward to getting back I have realised that even though I have changed in the last three months and grown as a person; the same has not happened to the people around me.

They have stayed in the same place.

I kind of expected this a bit but not to this extent. I want to stay the me that I was. I was happy towards the end. So chilled out. I mean no matter the situation I was in, I never had an argument and I never had a panic attack. After I got over that bout of depression at the beginning of the trip I have never felt better.

So imagine my surprise when the one person that I thought kept me on the right track ends up to be the problem? Now I don’t want to lay all my problems on this person. I mean it is just me and her in the world. But seriously.

She doesn’t treat herself with the right amount of respect and she has gone right back to telling me what to do all of the time. I am way past the rebellious teenager stage at this point. I just feel that we should be more equal and it isn’t happening.

I can feel the old me slipping back. I hate it. I really don’t want it to happen so I am going to fight it off with all my might.

I find it so hard to walk away from an argument with her though. She seems to think I am making it worse by walking away. This is so not what I am doing.