And when I say good. I mean bloody amazing. While I have a throat infection, we still managed it for around nine hours. With maybe, like an hour break.
The problem (yes, there is always a problem isn’t there) is that before I met him I decided that I didn’t want a fuck buddy. I want to date someone, kinda get to know them. See where it goes type of thing. Not let it engulf me like Big, but have something more then just sex.
But after wanting that, he has now admitted that it has become more of a sexual thing for him now and he can’t figure out if he wants to date me or not.
It is seriously frustrating, we are just very compatible. The sex is only going to get better and it is already just bordering on the mind blowing. Thing is I wouldn’t have an issue if the sex was so so. No way I could fall for a guy like that. But with him, I don’t know yet, but I could get hurt and I guess I just think I am the whole package. I am funny, kind, independent, amazing in the sack, and damned hot. I also take no shit.
Why on earth wouldn’t he want to date me?!
There are two main men in my life right now. The guy from work and the guy I was seeing before that started.
I am back seeing him again. We went to the cinema and it was like old times. Just friends that kiss and occasionally spoon. So it was mentioned that we have been seeing each other for four months. We had a laugh. Then carried on like normal. See. Nothing had changed, we still liked each other, we still both knew where is was going (nowhere) and we still enjoyed each others company.
I left and got a text about how easygoing I am. It was nice. We are nice. It is just nice.
Today. The guy I work with basically tore my personality apart. Told me that he felt like he had made a lucky escape. I felt like my heart been completely grabbed. It was awful.
Instead of thinking about comments and things that I said in the short time we were dating, and since, in a way that he would think I would make them. Because. You know. He has known me for quite a while. So you would think that if he thought something dodge about something I had said, that he would have just asked me.
He thinks I play mind games. He thinks that I wanted too much. Accused me of forcing him into a corner. Putting times on things. Being a bitch.
Okay. I will hold my hands up to the bitch. But he really read into things. Saying that I would subtly rub my neck in the shop as a type of dig at him and such. Like seriously? Why would I bother?
I put a time line on things. He asked for time until he wasn’t working with me anymore. I said no. He said that could be a week. I said no. Why? Because he believes my words were meant to force and trap. I told him. Or think I told him. Or rather, I meant. That it wasn’t fair on the first guy? Why? Because I had already cancelled one set of plans with him and it would be mean to mess him around. Guy from work seems to think I said “I won’t wait for a week to decide, otherwise I will go back to my other guys”.
So yeah. Two guys. Two very differing opinions of me. Now. Who is right?
I am thinking that maybe this is the start of the end. The end of my adventure here. I miss my friends. I miss my Mam.
I just really need people that know me. I really need a hug. I really need to know that I am safe.
I shouldn’t have tried to date my assistant manager. I shouldn’t have. But. And there is a big but. He is from home. He is a Galway guy. He is funny. We know the same things, we have the same Irish interests and we both moved here alone. He has a couple more people then me, but on the whole, we are each others best friends. We see each other more than we see anyone else.
It was bound to happen. Everyone knew it was going to happen. They would just see us together and know that there was something a tiny bit magical about it.
I am pretty sure he is in love with me. I love him as a friend anyway and I know that we both feel that. I feel like I ruined the best thing that I have here. Even though the sex went a bit weird.
He has convinced himself that he wants to be single for his time over here. I have messed this up, so he picked arguments and was a bit of a dick so that it would be easier for him to convince himself that it just wasn’t worth it. He has admitted this.
I haven’t got heart break. I have heart ache. Made worse by me seeing him all the time He has an interview and while I know it is best he gets it, I feel nauseous at the thought of not seeing him. Not speaking to him and hearing him laugh all the time.
I really miss home. I am angry that I have ruined a friendship and I really miss my life. I miss having people to call. I just miss being me.
Maybe I just need to go back for a visit. It has been six months. Maybe I need to just go home for two weeks and just re connect with things and remember how things weren’t that great over there.
So. Yeah. I have moved. I have my own place now and I am completely in love with it. Slightly bored the odd time but generally I am incredibly happy here. It is a little attic apartment/studio that is ALL MINE. It is quiet and cheap and warm. What more could I ask for really?
One thing I guess. For it not to be three blocks from where Big lives, and three blocks from where Big works. Awkward.
So my Aussie friend has been getting into my head. I don’t think she means to but being the mutual friend of myself and Bigs puts her in this situation that she just doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. Myself and my Indian friend came to the conclusion that maybe Aussie unintentionally lead to our relationship breaking down. Because lets face it, the amount of information, both verbal and non-verbal that I have gotten from her about Big since the breakup has driven me mad. Maybe we were both getting this when we were together too.
She told him I had been to the hospital! She told me he was upset about me deleting him from Facebook. All this information. So much he said, she said. It is too much.
Anyways. I ran into Big. I saw him today and I just knew that we HAD to talk.
So we did. I still feel quite deeply for him I think. I believe that I am still in shock about it all. Shock isn’t fun. I don’t think I have ever been so blindsided by anyone in my life and I never want to be again. But whatever. I saw him and survived it. I am alive and we both want to tell Aussie to stay out of things. So that is good. Now I don’t have to be the bad guy.
So I ask you… how kinky is too kinky for you?
I love so many sexual acts it isn’t even funny. Some I know about, some I am yet to learn. It is the learning about what I enjoy that really turns me on.
I do worry though. If I was to end up being single again. How will I know that I will find someone else like me? I do draw the line at some point. But what happens if you invest yourself into someone to find out that there is no way that they will do what you want, what you need?
Or what if I ended up finally finding someone I liked in that way to find out that they really wanted, nay, needed something that I just couldn’t give?!
It really is a mine field and it boggles me. If I think about it too much it actually upsets me.
I know that might sound a bit odd to some people, but sex is such an important part of a relationship to me that it is not something that I could just ignore.
I only have sex with people I have feelings for. My number has stayed at the very low two. But I have had an amazing sex life. I have been told that I am a Charlotte in life and then a Samantha in a relationship in the bedroom.
I have yet to find someone like me in enjoyment and attitude to sex. I would love that. And that person would be my soul mate. I know it.
Well this is an archived post from 2012. But I really think that it speaks to my mind right now. But no. My number is no longer two 😛
So I am back on Tinder. You might think it is early, but after fixing myself after Stephen, I am ready to date and find someone to have a relationship with. I am not saying I will die if I don’t get that, but I am ready.
Just because Big didn’t want me or wasn’t ready for me, doesn’t mean that I stop wanting what I want.
Anyway I had a date tonight with a Canadian guy. OMFG SOOOOO BORING. I am starting to wonder if the only men that are going to be comparable to me interest wise are the other ones that have moved alone. It just makes them a lot more independent and interesting I guess. Because you know what? I was the most interesting person at that table and I was bored stiff. I know how great I am, I don’t need your input into the conversation to be how amazing I am. This I know.
So on the walk back to mine he utters the above sentence. Why do men do this?! I mean. Does it actually work? Are there women out there that automatically want to prove that they are the exception? Are there women out there that have such low self esteem that they have to make sure that the person that they are on a date with knows for certain that they, in fact, are a good kisser?!
He regretted it anyway. I ended up telling him all my bad kissing stories. “Oh my, I nearly puked in his mouth, oh! Oh! He had just eaten a meatball sub ewwww…” Things like that. That’ll teach him.
Oh Big. If you could even get someone to match with you on tinder you would have a bad date and realise how damned lucky you were to have me. Screw you.
It is sinking in. Some sort of delayed reaction occurred I believe.
I had told him and told myself that I don’t want children. I don’t know. I was talking to my Australian friend and I realised something.
I can blame him sometimes because I want to be enough for my “one” but on another hand I know I can’t.
I saw what he wanted for a second. He wanted the person that he loved, huge in bed with his big meaty hands rubbing the belly and feeling the baby kick while quietly talking baby names. He wanted to know that that baby is half of his genetics and half the woman that he loves.
I can’t say that it doesn’t break my heart knowing that I will never have that with any man that I love. I will never have that choice. I want that choice.
I don’t know why it has taken me so long to realise that I would like this option. It is like I just turned all those feelings off to protect myself. I decided that I didn’t like being around children, that I didn’t want them. I did it to protect myself from dealing with the issue of not being able to have them in a healthy, sensible way.
Look. This isn’t me saying I want children. It is me saying that I really don’t know how I feel. This breaks me.