To date or not to date?

This is the question that I am struggling with at the moment. My recent tryst with my friends brother made me realise that I miss having a man in my bed.

That coupled with the fact that I was off work sick for a week. I had nothing else to be thinking about and I craved to get a text, to have a man come by with ice lollies to sooth my throat. But instead I got “Why is it bugging you?”

I stayed at my friends night last night, he wasn’t meant to be around. Then he was. I saw his friend, I slept next to his sister, I heard him. I didn’t see him. I wanted to see him for him to realise what he was missing or for me not to give a crap suddenly. Or even better. Just for him to tell me that he was not interested and yeah. Btw. I am a coke head (well I knew he was anyway).

So I have had a lot of time on my hands. Went back on tinder. Saw Stephen on it. Head melted.

I want someone to stay over once or twice a week (with a date). To text me five times a day, give me a call once every two days. Make me feel safe. I just want to fall in love.

But yet. I am scared of being in love again. I am scared of being stung again. I want to move to Canada. I want to meet someone to itch that itch and be with me, be my partner. But I also want to move to Canada. I don’t think I want something casual before I go because I don’t want to get hurt.

I haven’t cried over the brother. I have to remind myself I knew him less than a day, I have no reason to cry over him but I am surprised I haven’t. I still find that I feel like I have a certain ownership of him even though I know I really don’t.

There is serious food for thought here and I am not sure I can be bothered to work it all out. I just want to meet someone that isn’t a dickhead. Someone that is special. Someone that thinks that I am the most special person that they have EVER met. I don’t want any games. I am so sick and tired of games.

Revenge

I was watching an interview with Vanessa Williams this evening (I know, my Friday nights are so cool) and she struck me as an amazing woman.

The big message that she gave was that “Success is the best form of revenge”.

Think about that. What is success to you? For me it will be to be happy. I want to be truly happy. I am not sure if this will be with someone or alone, with a child or without, with a career or not. I just know this is what I want.

Do you know what? It will fucking kill the haters.

An old friend of mine that stabbed me in the back requested me as a friend on facebook ages ago. I was in two minds. But then realised I was logged on in Hawaii. I thought “fuck it”. I said yes. And guess what? She saw my amazing life at the time and I am sure it fucking killed her.

I will fucking kill him with my revenge.

What you always wanted to say

I am starting to realise that you never were the person you said you were. I knew you had lied, but never knew that your whole personality was a lie.

I guess it is nice to know now that you are just one of the lads looking for an easy lay with anyone and anything drinking loads and just acting immature. It is actually easy to deal with this.

Fact is. Since we ended, I have realised what I don’t want anymore. What I don’t want is someone lazy who was semi psychologically abusive. I don’t want someone that will do and say anything for an easy life and I don’t want someone that will pretend to be the nice guy to get some unfortunate sod into bed with you.

I am going to struggle to trust again. But fuck it. My life has improved since you left it.

From the beginning. Part one

So I just want to tell the story of my relationship from the beginning. Mainly to clear my own head in a safe place.

I met the OH online. We started to date and we didn’t click in person at all. But by text he was lovely, a gentleman. He made me pay half on the first date. Half of something I barely went near!

So second date comes around and we go to the cinema. I am all leaning in close and whispering in his ear. But nadda. He doesn’t once lean in to kiss me. I also didn’t even offer to pay this time ūüôā SO we ran into some of his friends and he didn’t introduce me. I thought this is it. I am done.

But he was so damn apologetic by text it wasn’t even funny. I really didn’t think he liked me seeing as he never made an effort to even lean in. But seemingly he was just nervous. So the third date came around. I told him to make a special effort. And he really did. But it fell through… there was a storm approaching so he ended up at mine, after about 4 hours of the date he finally kissed me. It was a perfect kiss… went on to have him scratch the fuck out of my back but it was all so so good.

The next weekend he came over to mine again, it was a Friday night, and I had had a date planned with the ex on the Saturday night for a long time. So he came over. We had sex three times and it was okay. Not amazing but ok. And it was fun!

The next night I stayed at the ex’s house. We basically ended it. It was a nice way to finish it all.

So back to me and the OH. The sex got better, we are into the same stuff which helps. Because I am a safety freak I asked him if he had ever had sex with no condom on before and if he had been tested. His response was “No never, and I thought I had something before but it turned out I had a urine infection so it is all good.”

On both points he was lying. I should have known. At 21 I was the 9th person that he had slept with. But I thought after 9 girls you would have the cop on to get tested and be honest about it.

About three months in we were drunkenly fumbling and I blurted out that I loved him. He didn’t say it back.

I spent a month feeling so insecure. I knew that he was in contact with all of the other 8 girls and I knew that he didn’t love me and I just didn’t understand. He invited me to a gig to meet his Ex. I accepted even if just to see if I had something to be worried about or if he just wanted me there to show me off.

I really didn’t want to go but I did. I was feeling very tired after work and I just wanted to collapse. We met her and she was his type down to the ground. Well what he had told me was his type anyway. So she went off and played some God awful music while we chatted. Then she came over and I may aswell have not existed. It was awful. Body language away from me. Not including me in conversations about people I didn’t know. Whenever I tried so say something she just spun it back around to her.

She went to chat to someone else. I told himself that I had had enough and I was off. I felt like I was playing third wheel.He let me leave, didn’t walk me out to a cab or anything. He also stayed out with her until past two in the morning. I spoke to him the next day to finish it. That was when it should hae been the end.

The things that make me Angry

My friend told me that her friend found it easier to get through her heartbreak by making a list of all the things he did to piss her off. So here we go.

He ruined the start of our relationship with all his lies.

He never helped clean without me nagging hi.. Even though I contributed the same if not more money and I also worked full time and I am ill.

He broke up with me on holiday, the only thing that was keeping me going after a really tough year.

He left me while I am still dealing with being diagnosed with Crohns disease. He left me just before I had an appointment scheduled with the neorologist. Which I was so nervous about.

He used to make comments about me and Mam talking to each other a lot and about me not having any friends. Or any friends living in the same country as me. Whichever comment depending on how mean he was feeling.

He never stood up for me or up for himself with other people. Too afraid of upsetting the balance.

He got back in contact with that girl only after he broke up with me. Proving in her mind the theory that I was controlling.

He controlled me by making me feel like I was controlling.

He was always emotionally removed.

He never dealt with his issues.

He gave me Chlamydia.

He told his ex girlfriend what I liked in bed and how I looked naked. This went on for 9 months of her and him playing an awful game and me getting blamed for not being okay that they were “friends”. I forgave him. And wish I never had. I still don’t understand why he chose means fought so hard for me if he never really felt right about us. He blames me for not having her every day for about a year. This is how he made me feel. One day I will post the emails I got from her.

He made me into someone who was insecure. I always questioned if I was his type. If he was happy. If I was enough. I never thought about what I wanted and needed. Until maybe the very end. And then he left.

I will leave it there. You wonder why I was ever with him right?

Trying to fix it

So the boy is trying to fix my relationship with his friends. 

He is failing miserably.

I gave him a list and he just doesn’t get it.

1. Don’t make me feel like the third wheel. He spends his time making sure that they don’t feel¬†awkward¬†around me. But I never get the same treatment.¬†

2. Plan something that I will enjoy and then bring them along. Not drag me along to something that I hate so I am feeling uncomfortable. Our interests are just so different. 

3. Make plans when I am able to go. 

So his suggestion has been game nights, at his guy mates new house. Four of them live together. On a night that I have work the next morning. Make the plans after I have been in work for the day. At 9 pm. 

Make it so I would have to get a taxi home. When I am broke and I have been paying for EVERYTHING. So I am broke. He can walk home. I cannot. He is not in work tomorrow. He has been at a late night class so he hasn’t been home.¬†

He invites other people along at the same time as me. Way to make me feel special.