The end of an era

I am doing a clearout. Every night I go to bed and I see his little hairs but this weekend is a long weekend so I have the time and the energy to actually clean and clear his shit out.

Myself and my neighbor have gone from strength to strength in our relationship. We looked at a new apartment which would give me a tiny room but would mean that I can save for the big trip.

We spent time together in Berlin and bonded. It was lovely actually. Although my relationship with my best male friend might have suffered. I am not happy about it but that is life.

Anyway. I was a little down that we found somewhere because I thought that the next place I moved into would be where I would be moving with him that we had bought.

But the cleaning is making me feel better! I am cleaning him out of my system.

I went to a market with my neighbor, her brother and his boyfriend, the girl that she is dating and her gay best friend. I never thought that I would be in that situation. I never thought that I would be comfortable in that situation. He made me feel like I wouldn’t be comfortable in that situation. He made me feel like I would embarrass myself. And guess what? I didn’t!

Dance with me

For nearly three years we had a regular conversation. It went something like this:

“Dance with me please”

“I don’t dance”

“Just once please”

“No Shinners, just leave it”

Okay. So he didn’t dance. I also never heard him sing, not even happy birthday, in three years. But anyway, about dancing.

So he never danced. I love to dance, I dance burlesque and I love it. I used to dance salsa, and I loved that, I wanted him to join me and be my partner. Three valentines days went past and I was hoping that he would take me dancing. Nadda.

We went to a nightclub with my friends once, myself and two of my friends (one guy and one girl) and he stood in the corner and didn’t move.

He went out twice this weekend, both nights he danced. He danced to the music he hates, and that I enjoy. He danced, he sweated and he moved. He also pulled twice.

Was it that I was just not the girl to make an effort for? I just keep on thinking that everything that he has done since we broke up is him being him. I don’t like some of it, but I like other bits. I just think he didn’t want to do it with me. If it was his ex, I think he would have done everything for her. But I was never her. I was never going to be her. And he still wants her. He still messages her when he is drunk. When will he realise what he had (me) and what he is chasing? He is chasing a lie.

I always thought he would hear this song, and be filled with regret. Maybe he won’t. We were never sunshine and daisies and we are better off without each other (well I will be one day) but maybe we should never have been together.

Getting under

Is the only way to get over someone to get under someone else?

The closest I have gotten to getting over him was when I was dating someone else. But then they were assholes. Fact is, do I need to fuck someone else?

He probably has, he has gotten over me grand. Infact, he has kissed two girls and gotten shit faced in two nights. I on the other hand, have spent two nights at home. I have enjoyed it and my body really needed it but it isn’t moving on.

What is moving on anyway? Not caring about him anymore? Not angry or upset when I think about him? Or just fucking someone else?

God only knows! I really want someone to tell me how to move on. Please. Anyone. Just tell me.

Sometimes I wish I was a man, they seem to be able to switch off so much quicker. Well. That is unless you are my mothers ex, they just seem to stay around (apart from the most recent one; the one that she wanted to keep around).

With my first boyfriend, I never lived with him, I had never given everything to him. I never had a joint bank account with him. I hadn’t planned a wedding. With him I did all of this. I just don’t know how I will ever give myself to anyone else. I don’t know how I will trust someone so completely again after I made such a shit judgement?

The thought of going furniture shopping with someone and getting excited about getting keys to a new home with someone, feels so foreign. Actually makes me want to puke.

Thing is, this all kicked off in May. It is now October. How long until I feel normal? Will it be a year? Will a year pass when I am not treading on old memories, I am making new ones?

I am already dreading going away, my first without him. Or Christmas… unpacking the decorations that we bought for our first together. I Cannot even imagine having a Christmas without him. We spent last Christmas with his family after waking up and going to sleep in our apartment with presents under our tree. Who will carry my real tree?

I am just so fed up of this. He is back at home. We had memories there, but he had memories with other people there too, it isn’t just me and him memories. Not like my whole life at the moment. Purely me and him memories.

So Many Words

Ever have those times that you are so full of words but just cannot find a coherent flow for them?

Ye, well this is me at the moment. There is so much to talk about, being beaten to a job with more money by an ex co worker with less experience (because he is a man)… my birthday and people letting me down… the ex just being my ex… my stomach deciding to spend Thursday evening puking… I could go on.

Basically, I am tired and fed up. I am heading away in just over a week so that is something to look forward to, I am a little broke though.

I am just not feeling life, I am not suicidal or anything, I just don’t want to deal. I want to pick up everything and disappear for a while. I need my ex not to matter, I need him not to exist. I need to be doing more amazing things then him, I need to have an amazing LIFE without him. At the moment, I am living and I have moments of having a life, but I need a life. I need an amazing life without him.

I need to watch a show and not think about him. I need to lie in bed and not miss him. I need to get a text and not think that it is going to be him. I need to not think about him in a day. I need to not mention him in a day.

Thing is, he is still part of my life. The past is too much a part of my present. I am well and truly in his past. It is a strange thing that guys can do, but he has done it perfectly. I believe he has just switched off. Or he just stopped caring.

Anyway. A friend let me down. She is a little self-absorbed but she told me she knew she had been and promised to change. This is a year ago and she is back at her old tricks. She has someone else on the scene so suddenly a friend becomes a lot less important.

I can explain why my birthday was so important this year. I know I am 26. It isn’t a big birthday, no one really gives a fuck about that. But I do. I have had the year from hell. Absolute hell. I needed my friends around me. In the past month I have had a flare and two important dates, our anniversary and my birthday. Both I had to do alone. I never thought I would have a birthday single. I spent most of my day thinking about what we had done on previous years.

Fact is, part of him is turning into the man I wanted, another part is turning into the type of man I hate.

I am trying desperately to not make this another post about my ex. But it seems like that is not working for me! 😛