“Omg Why do they have the big thumb on fb chat? Why do I have fake nails on? Why was I reading old messages?! Argh!!!”
He took 2 weeks to read my message from after paddys day.
Looked at my thumbs up straight away.
Fuck my life Dickwad. Fuck my life.
Every single day at least one of these thoughts pop into my head.
And I actually got bangs (a fringe) a month ago. Just saying.
This is me procrastinating. I am meant to be attempting to write a short story and I just cannot face it right now… This feels like me and college. I really don’t want to be this way.
Anyway an update. I matched with one of my friends brothers friends (are you still following me?) on tinder. I didn’t have a clue who it was. When I am looking at group pictures I literally just look for the reoccurring guy and didn’t notice that dickwad was in a couple of pictures with him (that is his new nickname FYI).
This is where the weirdness starts. He knew who I was, asked dickwad what I liked and started asking me about Always Sunny in Philadelphia and I hadn’t a clue how he knew I even watched it!
Anyway, I realised who he was, unmatched him. Dickwad was telling my friend about it. The whole thing was so screwed up it is unreal. I feel like I have suddenly regressed into school where people asked you to go out with their friends!
Anyway. I met dickwad and his mate last night. The mate was sound, lovely guy actually. Dickwad behaved kind of ridiculously. Staying in his room till friends arrived. Barely talking to me, didn’t even look at be for Gods sake! Well at least I looked hot and he looked fairly coked up to his eye balls.
Before I arrived my friend told him I was coming around and asked him if it would be weird. His response “Erm… I don’t know… I think she erm likes me”
My friend just told him to cop the fuck on and said that I probably did before he became a prick.
So either neither of them like me and just want to ride me as I have a name of being easy, or both of them like me, or I don’t give a crap.
I think I am going to go for the latter option. They can keep eachothers bed warm I think. The wonders of anything on Tinder. Hotbed of drama.
It is so hard when what you want and possibly need are two things that cost money.
I am trying to save enough to move to Canada. It is tough, really tough and expensive. You hear of some people having €10,000 in their pockets flying out. I will be lucky if I have the minimum €2,500.
I really need to find a job before I go. There is no way to be able to afford the mad Vancouver rents without having a job with savings that small!
Then having a life while remaining here. I really want to take this writing course. I know that I don’t need to take the writing course and I possibly don’t need to go to Canada, but they are both things that would help my mental well being. They are things that I need to do to become a well-rounded individual. And to explore my passions as well! I am starting to feel like the only job I would be truly happy in would be to write for myself. Not in a paper or anything but basically writing books and short stories. I would love it.
This is the question that I am struggling with at the moment. My recent tryst with my friends brother made me realise that I miss having a man in my bed.
That coupled with the fact that I was off work sick for a week. I had nothing else to be thinking about and I craved to get a text, to have a man come by with ice lollies to sooth my throat. But instead I got “Why is it bugging you?”
I stayed at my friends night last night, he wasn’t meant to be around. Then he was. I saw his friend, I slept next to his sister, I heard him. I didn’t see him. I wanted to see him for him to realise what he was missing or for me not to give a crap suddenly. Or even better. Just for him to tell me that he was not interested and yeah. Btw. I am a coke head (well I knew he was anyway).
So I have had a lot of time on my hands. Went back on tinder. Saw Stephen on it. Head melted.
I want someone to stay over once or twice a week (with a date). To text me five times a day, give me a call once every two days. Make me feel safe. I just want to fall in love.
But yet. I am scared of being in love again. I am scared of being stung again. I want to move to Canada. I want to meet someone to itch that itch and be with me, be my partner. But I also want to move to Canada. I don’t think I want something casual before I go because I don’t want to get hurt.
I haven’t cried over the brother. I have to remind myself I knew him less than a day, I have no reason to cry over him but I am surprised I haven’t. I still find that I feel like I have a certain ownership of him even though I know I really don’t.
There is serious food for thought here and I am not sure I can be bothered to work it all out. I just want to meet someone that isn’t a dickhead. Someone that is special. Someone that thinks that I am the most special person that they have EVER met. I don’t want any games. I am so sick and tired of games.
I don’t really drink. My crohns makes it hard to have a healthy life and have a drink. I had three in seven months after my breakup, went a bit mad the night of my ONS (five drinks) and had one tonight.
I don’t need alcohol. I am funny, charming and a free spirit without needing something to bring me out of my shell. Do I miss it? Oh hell yeah I do sometimes. Is it worth it? Well if you have two drinks and the next day feel as though you will puke your ring up and are stuck to the toilet… probably not.
So why am I saying all this? Well recently I have had a dealing with a person that I think may have been on stronger drugs then I have around me normally. My crazy housemate is nearly always high on pot you see. But this is different. I found a card lying around in my bathroom and then suspicious behavior afterward. I asked the person involved what had happened and they swear blind that nothing went on, so I am trying to keep this as vague as possible but I still have my doubts.
Anyway. My point to all of this is I got to thinking about how I feel about the harder drugs. Putting these chemicals into your body to produce a high or a feeling that you cannot achieve on your own accord. How do I feel about this? Well I guess firstly I think that anyone that has a problem should get the help that they want/need to kick the habit. But after that, I do have an issue.
Anyone with mental health issues in them, or in the family are exacerbating the issue by taking the stimulants. Any small chemical change in your head can spark things, I have had personal experiences of this happening to people around me. I might not know the medical lingo but it happens.
But on a personal level I cannot help but get a bit angry. Do people not realise how lucky they are to have a body that functions? That is healthy, that can give them a high from life? Speaking as someone that has to take lots of drugs to make her body even work to a typical level, I tend to think that it is the height of stupidity and also really selfish of a healthy person to partake in recreational drug use that COULD have an effect on them in a negative way. I really do not understand it and it leads me to actually cut anyone out of my life that cannot see that the drugs or whatever they are mixed with could do something awful to a well oiled piece of machinery that they should be blessed to call their own body.
So I need advice, or just to get this out here. I am not sure to be honest!
I dress well, I have a nice clear accent and I am well educated. I probably swear a bit too much but have figured it is endearing because of my accent, and I have the dirtiest sense of humor than anyone I know.
It is getting the balance right for this. I like to look sexy, but I idolise women in TV, film and the real world that have a sense of elegance about them. But I am more edgy then that (or that is what I like to think anyway).
So this is where I need to know what to do. As I have said before I have a bit of a situation with the ONS fella. Myself and his sister has cleared things up nicely but it now looks like we might be spending Paddy’s Day together. The last thing I want it to be is awkward.
The best situation, I am not going to lie, is for him to fall madly in love with him for me to tell him that he wasted his chance and I am never ever going to fall for his words again. But then he drags himself through the gutter for me and we end up madly in love.
NOW I am snapping myself out of this Shinners! This is not going to happen. But what is?
As I have posted before, this is where I left it:
“Me: okay so this is bugging me… Are ya ever going to ask me out?
well I’m not in Dublin yet and I’m still just very fresh out of a LTR
Why’s it bugging you?”
I haven’t responded. Should I? They have another sibling that is going through a difficult time at the moment and my friend told me that he was caught up in it down the country. Obviously he is moving up to Dublin but I just want to know do I say something? Do I say “sorry to hear about your sibling” Or anything at all! I don’t know if I want to get everything out in the air before we inevitably run into each other again.
I have never been in this situation before and I want to handle it in the most ladylike way possible. I don’t want to swear, I don’t want to yell but I want to firmly tell him that he fucked up.
On another note this
is just the best article I have read in I don’t know how long! Please read it anyone that is single or in an unhappy relationship. I have my faults sure but at the end of the day I value myself way too much to get into a relationship with someone that I don’t love. And I cannot find anyone that I do love.