I think

It is probably a good thing I am moving. I have a crush on a married man. And I know he wouldn’t turn me down. Canada couldn’t come at a better time!

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Anger

It always surprises me how much anger one person can cause another.

It is possible that because I am a fairly kind and easy going person that I find it hard to imagine a point that someone will get to for me to get angry. And if I am completely honest, for me to feel anger, I have to be upset too.

I have been fairly upset and angry for the last couple of days and tonight I re read my last post about what was said about my supposed leakage.

I am mortified that my ex would imply that I smelt of shit because of crohns, because of medication. And the fact that he did it on the internet, on a forum that people know who I am makes me even more mortified.

I have been going through spells. I want to punch him mainly. But I keep on trying to think of something that I can come up with to really fuck him over. But in truth? I am angry at what he did, at him, but I actually don’t give a fuck about him. I don’t want to waste my energy putting it into anything to do with him.

I am channeling my hurt and anger into my performance for my solo. I am going to be the most successful person that I can be. Without him. And I am not once going to smell of shit doing it.

This is my new Titanium.

When the bullets keep coming

Not everything you read online is true.

So when it is said that I have suffered with anal leakage when I have been on medication. That is quite literally bullshit.

When it is said by my ex. It is even more bullshit. He stayed with me a little more than two months of me being on meds. I have now been on them over a year. I have suffered with “leakage” never. Not even with the preparations for my colonoscopys.

He reassured me every time I felt dirty and unsexy in his own controlling way. And now he posts up that his ex had crohns and used to leak while on meds.

Stephen. You didn’t know me on meds. On meds, in remission in less than a year. I have never been healthier. Yes I have bad days. But I am working out 5 days a week. I have not had any sort of accident. And the only shit that you will be smelling is the shit that is coming out of your mouth, coming directly from your brain.

I seriously feel sorry for your new girlfriend. I hope that she realises what a prize tool you are as soon as possible. I want her to break your heart enough for both of us.

That is it. I am done letting you own that your ex had crohns. It isn’t your thing. You are not here, you are not living with it and you ran away rather than dealing with it. I am moving to Canada alone. I am taking my leaking ass and getting out of this country without you. So shove that.

What You Should Know If You Fall In Love With Someone Who Has Crohn’s Disease

Thought Catalog

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They’re tough, because they’re used to being scared and uncomfortable and in pain. But that can be tricky. They’ve learned how to fend for themselves, so sometimes, it might take them a little while to learn how to let you take care of them too.

They’re fighters, they’re survivors, because this disease doesn’t have a cure. There’s no specific path that works for everyone. There’s no single answer. So they’ve learned how to figure this thing out for themselves – how to find the perfect balance in their treatment that allows them to live a life as close to normal as possible.

There were probably time periods in their life which they were very okay. Sometimes periods of wellness that even lasted for years. But there’s also been times where their health has been taken away from them. They’ve learned to fight for it. They’ve learned to fight for…

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The best and worst thing

I know that this post is a little early but I wanted to put my thoughts onto paper (or even into a series of 1’s and 0’s on a computer screen).

It is world IBD day on May 19th and I really wanted to document how I have been thinking about my crohns recently. As you all know I was diagnosed in February last year and after that a series of awful events sparked.

I live on a cocktail of tablets. Some have been prescribed to me, others I take to counteract some of the more brutal side effects of the medications that are supposed to help me. Everyone with IBD has taken their own path. No two treatments are the same. No two cases are the same.

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My personal journey was not great at the beginning. I was given two years to save my colon. I am lucky in that within a year they decided that I was in remission. I decided to take the doctors advice, take the medication given to me and some. This is how I deal with my every day. I know that some things spark me to feel bloated and sick, but I probably think that this is more my IBS than my IBD.

In the short time that I have had my diagnosis I have met and spoken to people with IBD and read their stories online. Everyone has had a completely different story and has dealt with their diagnosis in a completely different way. I find it really interesting. Some people take everything that their doctors say as gospel. Take the medication prescribed and do nothing more.

Some people refuse the medications and only go for alternative therapies and diet changes. Some just refuse to accept what they have and make no changes at all. I would fall into a different category. One that accepts that doctors have more knowledge than I do about IBD but I also understand that I know MY body better than they will ever understand it.

So I cut out the foods that just don’t agree with me, I take tablets to counteract the awfulness that is Imuran, I fight to try and have my consultant take me off the medications since I am in remission and I don’t want to do it irresponsibly without my doctors knowledge.

I have gone through phases of absolutely hating my body, hating myself. I might not have any scars from operations on the outside but my insides have been scared and bloodied by this awful disease. There is no competition with people with crohns. Some have it worse than others but that doesn’t mean that the tides could easily change.

When I was diagnosed, I suddenly became the most important person in my life. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care greatly for others, it just means that I will not sacrifice my happiness and well being for someone else.

I have also been working on my self esteem. My last relationship did me no favors and basically being a woman in my mid twenties, I have all those horrible thoughts that we all have. Those doubts. Those feelings of not being adequate. Those little dramas in life that make you feel like the world as you know it is done.

Having crohns is changing that bit by bit. I have all the strength in the world. I lived through the last year when my insides and my ex didn’t want me to. I love my body. Yes, I have love handles, yes, I have stretch marks, yes, I gain and lose weight at a mad speed as a result of my medications. But I love myself. I have to. If I don’t, then how can I expect someone else to?

I say “there is enough people in the world judging you, your appearance, tearing you down, without you doing it to yourself”. Crohns has helped me realise that my body is incredible and nothing will stop that. I am going to ignore the stresses in life because honestly? Life is only as stressful as you make it most of the time. Remove yourself from the situation, change it, ignore it.

Life has made me the person that I am today. IBD has made me the person I am today. And I am proud of that.

The mess

As I thought. Tonight was a mess. A nightmare in fact.

I ended up leaving, home by 9.30. I just couldn’t handle being there anymore. His date was lovely. A curvy half Zimbabwean, half Irish woman who was just lovely. He acted like a jackass. Not only did he put me in the situation, but he just did not act like a gentleman at all.

My friend aswell. I actually cannot help but blame her also. She should not have invited her date along. I should never have been put in the situation where I was literally in no mans land for the evening. About 5 minutes into the film I walked past him seated with his date right to the front of the place and just left and didn’t return.

I have gotten home, stuffed my face with sushi and cried. I cannot fault the girl but I couldn’t help but think I have more in common with this guy then her. But sure. Don’t we all know that life does not make any sense?

I am just hoping that my stomach recovers. I seriously thought that  was starting a crohns flare but I think it just turned out that I was shitting myself (literally) about tonight.

I actually think I have to go to Canada. I need to get myself out of this situation. I need to spread my wings and meet someone that won’t play games with my heart and body. That would make a change. That would be rather nice actually.

Life is a sitcom

well mine is anyway. Going to a fancy dress thing tonight. Dickwad bringing a date. My friend is now bringing a date and I am going dressed as her characters boyfriend.

the only other person I know is dickwads friend that I matched with on tinder. I am the ultimate third wheel and pain in a one night stands butt officially! Would I have it any other way? Probably not.

Now. To ask the guy in the bank along!