Health. The gift that keeps on giving

So today I finally got my appointment at the gyno. And yeah. I thought I had endometriosis, and it turns out that it is pretty certain that I do in fact have it.

They think I have a rare kind where the tissue grows on the nerves that lead down to my legs. So yeah. I have two types of shitty things where my body just hates me. I just want my Mamma.

So basically if I changed my mind about wanting kids, it would be really REALLY hard for me to actually get pregnant. My gyno does work a lot with IBD people a lot though so she knows her shit. ARGH FML.

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Doctors

I know my body.  I know when there is something wrong.  I go to doctors as a very last result.  Please listen to me when I tell you that there is something not right and that yes,  my immune system is compromised by meds so please take me seriously. 

But no.  Ignore me.  Decide all I need to do is gargle with salt and water.  Waste my time and put my health at further risk.  Douche.

I CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN

No matter how many times you say it.
No matter how many times you mean it.
People ask me why I don’t want them. They tell me I will change my mind. They say anything is possible.
Well guess what? I wish I had the choice. There are two decisions that I could make.  One is very risky and I believe to be selfish.  The other is safe and really sad for me. I chose the latter.

I meet a man and tell him.  I won’t be having children. We date. We fall in love. We spend every day for two months in love.  Discussing the future. Making plans. Even 12 hours before the fact I get a text saying that he loves me because I am strange.

Then bam.

He wants children. He wants his genetic children. He doesn’t think that our relationship is good enough for him to compromise with adoption. He isn’t mad about me. But he is in love with me. And guess what? I am heartbroken yet again.

So what can I do? Not have crohns? Risk getting sick, risk making my children sick to keep a guy? Or get dumped by a second guy because I am not the healthy normal girl they want?

You guessed it! Shinners is single again. And fairly devastated. 

Delayed reaction

So usually my posts are put up last thing at night. When I cannot sleep. It might account for the sometimes questionable grammar and spelling (please don’t start checking this post now).

This one is before I go to work. It is nearly midday and I have to get stuff out onto paper.

I had a great date on Wednesday night with a Canadian guy from Tinder. Turns out he has crohns too and what a kisser! So attractive, hairy. Just yum.

I had a second date with him last night. We were both tired, it probably shouldn’t have been done. But we did anyway. Still an excellent kisser but my God he is hard to read. I got the bus home and a sad song came on and I just started crying over PC.

This guy is so much more my type physically. And kissing. But I just miss that personality connection I had with PC. It was like we were best friends as soon as we met eachother. I really really miss him. Is there anything I can do about it? Probably not. He doesn’t want to do anything about it and I am so in love with him that I just don’t think I can do friends. Same situation all over again. I think I just have to forget about him. This is going to be really hard isn’t it?

When the bullets keep coming

Not everything you read online is true.

So when it is said that I have suffered with anal leakage when I have been on medication. That is quite literally bullshit.

When it is said by my ex. It is even more bullshit. He stayed with me a little more than two months of me being on meds. I have now been on them over a year. I have suffered with “leakage” never. Not even with the preparations for my colonoscopys.

He reassured me every time I felt dirty and unsexy in his own controlling way. And now he posts up that his ex had crohns and used to leak while on meds.

Stephen. You didn’t know me on meds. On meds, in remission in less than a year. I have never been healthier. Yes I have bad days. But I am working out 5 days a week. I have not had any sort of accident. And the only shit that you will be smelling is the shit that is coming out of your mouth, coming directly from your brain.

I seriously feel sorry for your new girlfriend. I hope that she realises what a prize tool you are as soon as possible. I want her to break your heart enough for both of us.

That is it. I am done letting you own that your ex had crohns. It isn’t your thing. You are not here, you are not living with it and you ran away rather than dealing with it. I am moving to Canada alone. I am taking my leaking ass and getting out of this country without you. So shove that.

The best and worst thing

I know that this post is a little early but I wanted to put my thoughts onto paper (or even into a series of 1’s and 0’s on a computer screen).

It is world IBD day on May 19th and I really wanted to document how I have been thinking about my crohns recently. As you all know I was diagnosed in February last year and after that a series of awful events sparked.

I live on a cocktail of tablets. Some have been prescribed to me, others I take to counteract some of the more brutal side effects of the medications that are supposed to help me. Everyone with IBD has taken their own path. No two treatments are the same. No two cases are the same.

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My personal journey was not great at the beginning. I was given two years to save my colon. I am lucky in that within a year they decided that I was in remission. I decided to take the doctors advice, take the medication given to me and some. This is how I deal with my every day. I know that some things spark me to feel bloated and sick, but I probably think that this is more my IBS than my IBD.

In the short time that I have had my diagnosis I have met and spoken to people with IBD and read their stories online. Everyone has had a completely different story and has dealt with their diagnosis in a completely different way. I find it really interesting. Some people take everything that their doctors say as gospel. Take the medication prescribed and do nothing more.

Some people refuse the medications and only go for alternative therapies and diet changes. Some just refuse to accept what they have and make no changes at all. I would fall into a different category. One that accepts that doctors have more knowledge than I do about IBD but I also understand that I know MY body better than they will ever understand it.

So I cut out the foods that just don’t agree with me, I take tablets to counteract the awfulness that is Imuran, I fight to try and have my consultant take me off the medications since I am in remission and I don’t want to do it irresponsibly without my doctors knowledge.

I have gone through phases of absolutely hating my body, hating myself. I might not have any scars from operations on the outside but my insides have been scared and bloodied by this awful disease. There is no competition with people with crohns. Some have it worse than others but that doesn’t mean that the tides could easily change.

When I was diagnosed, I suddenly became the most important person in my life. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care greatly for others, it just means that I will not sacrifice my happiness and well being for someone else.

I have also been working on my self esteem. My last relationship did me no favors and basically being a woman in my mid twenties, I have all those horrible thoughts that we all have. Those doubts. Those feelings of not being adequate. Those little dramas in life that make you feel like the world as you know it is done.

Having crohns is changing that bit by bit. I have all the strength in the world. I lived through the last year when my insides and my ex didn’t want me to. I love my body. Yes, I have love handles, yes, I have stretch marks, yes, I gain and lose weight at a mad speed as a result of my medications. But I love myself. I have to. If I don’t, then how can I expect someone else to?

I say “there is enough people in the world judging you, your appearance, tearing you down, without you doing it to yourself”. Crohns has helped me realise that my body is incredible and nothing will stop that. I am going to ignore the stresses in life because honestly? Life is only as stressful as you make it most of the time. Remove yourself from the situation, change it, ignore it.

Life has made me the person that I am today. IBD has made me the person I am today. And I am proud of that.

97%

I had a match for 97% on Okcupid. I messaged him and he seemed nice. We swapped numbers and had a date planned for Monday.

 

He was mad for inspirational photos and quotes. Seemed a bit much after a while so I though it didn’t seem genuine. I told him I had crohns disease. Well that was the end of that. He freaked the fuck out and told me he couldn’t handle going on a date with me because of his past.

 

Ok. I know it is a lot to handle but imagine being me? I knew what he was going to do anyway but it still stung. I am so broken no one wants to date me.

 

 

Then I had a bit of a show. Mam is going through a break up and is emotionally draining but I never got a single text from him. Even though he knew I was nervous. Every other show he has been there. Now he was nowhere. Not even a text. Living it up in Barcelona foe the weekend and forgotten about me.

 

 

Part of me was glad he wasn’t there. I used to feel so insecure with all the other girls that were his type there. And plain old me.

 

 

I ended up leaving because I needed to cry so badly. My self esteem is so low right now. I feel like I have lost everything. Even my confidence. Why would anyone want me?