Mental

I have been so unbelievably mentally busy that I completely forgot to update this.

Life has just been non-stop. So much so that I have only just started to feel homesick.

Firstly. Health. I did have a tough week with my stomach but then I started my period so panic over! I have had three periods in five weeks though but I think it is my coil finally settling in. I now also have a cold but sure that is part and parcel of life and having no immune system isn’t it?

Second. Work. Work has been mental and I have just received a promotion. Within six weeks I have been promoted and given a new store to open as Store Manager. It is basically unheard of and fairly shocking but exciting all the same. I am not happy with the money that they have offered me but I am looking at going to a career adviser anyway to maybe look at getting out of this aspect of retail. I am exhausted with so many long hours and sporadic starting times my body is just tired (which I think has also lead to the cold).

Thirdly. Friends. So I have steadily been making and keeping friends, both here and at home. My Mam and my best friend back home have both booked flights over so one is over at the end of October and the other is coming over at Christmas. This is very exciting. I just got back from a weekend away with a friend over here. We went to Whistler. It was nice but part of me feels that I give more to that friendship then what I get back from her. But sure. Plenty more time and plenty more people to meet in my travels.

And lastly. Boyfriend. Through the previously mentioned friend, I met my boyfriend. Mr B. He is both perfect and flawed. We have both been single for a very long time and have been in long relationships that didn’t last. In his case, he was married. It is actually taking us both a lot of getting used to adjusting to eachother. It probably doesn’t help that he is American so sometimes the communication is a little stilted. But yeah… we will see how it goes. Sometimes he makes me so happy that I picture everything with him. Other times… not so much. I am going to give it a bit of time but sometimes he goes all school teachery on me which makes me feel a little bit controlled. I really don’t want Stephen 2.0.

But the sex is frigging incredible. Like. OMG. Amazing. Him and his big penis. Yum.

Right well now I have to go because I am all turned on again. Even when he isn’t around he has this effect on me. Mad about the man I am.

Getting under

Is the only way to get over someone to get under someone else?

The closest I have gotten to getting over him was when I was dating someone else. But then they were assholes. Fact is, do I need to fuck someone else?

He probably has, he has gotten over me grand. Infact, he has kissed two girls and gotten shit faced in two nights. I on the other hand, have spent two nights at home. I have enjoyed it and my body really needed it but it isn’t moving on.

What is moving on anyway? Not caring about him anymore? Not angry or upset when I think about him? Or just fucking someone else?

God only knows! I really want someone to tell me how to move on. Please. Anyone. Just tell me.

Sometimes I wish I was a man, they seem to be able to switch off so much quicker. Well. That is unless you are my mothers ex, they just seem to stay around (apart from the most recent one; the one that she wanted to keep around).

With my first boyfriend, I never lived with him, I had never given everything to him. I never had a joint bank account with him. I hadn’t planned a wedding. With him I did all of this. I just don’t know how I will ever give myself to anyone else. I don’t know how I will trust someone so completely again after I made such a shit judgement?

The thought of going furniture shopping with someone and getting excited about getting keys to a new home with someone, feels so foreign. Actually makes me want to puke.

Thing is, this all kicked off in May. It is now October. How long until I feel normal? Will it be a year? Will a year pass when I am not treading on old memories, I am making new ones?

I am already dreading going away, my first without him. Or Christmas… unpacking the decorations that we bought for our first together. I Cannot even imagine having a Christmas without him. We spent last Christmas with his family after waking up and going to sleep in our apartment with presents under our tree. Who will carry my real tree?

I am just so fed up of this. He is back at home. We had memories there, but he had memories with other people there too, it isn’t just me and him memories. Not like my whole life at the moment. Purely me and him memories.

The Final Letter (I Hope)

Everyone kept on telling me to delete you from facebook. But I was never going to because even though I really don’t like you now. I did love you more than anything else in the world. Three years of memories you just deleted in one hit of the “unfriend” button. I would understand if I had been uncivil or I was posting thinggs that would upset you but I hadn’t. I had kept my private private.

The first weekend after we broke up. You posted about how the cinema on your own was so much fun. It was such a low blow because that is what we used to do together. I have never done anything like that.

There were and are girls that you had flings with still on your facebook and yet someone that you shared a bed with for that long just gets deleted in a stupid rage. THAT WAS MY RAGE TO HAVE. You have taken every little bit of decency in this whole thing and taken it away. You have taken all of the memories and just dashed them. Between this and the lies I just wonder why you were ever with me because you obviously never liked/loved/respected me.

You saw me briefly on Friday with another man. It wasn’t on O’Connell Street because we were never on O’Connell Street. But is this why you have decided to be mean to me yet again? Or is it just you being you?

To be clear. The reason that I wanted to send someone else is because I am still so hurt by you. Seeing you does make me feel sick. Not because you are ugly. But because the Boy that you said you had turned into would never treat me like this. You are forgetting. I never broke your heart.

Edit: The response
“I don’t really know what to say to most of what you said. Memories never go away and I’ll always remember what we had.

I unfriended you out of anger because of how you’re acting about this money situation, demanding I hand over whatever was in my bank account “because it was yours” and how I didn’t deserve to save because you couldn’t, having me sign a “contract” to get your money back. It is something I regret doing and I’m sorry, it should have been your choice.

I enjoy the cinema on my own because it helps me unwind after work, It is not to rub it in that you’re not there anymore”

The generic answer from the most messed up man that I know. I actually started writing down our relationship a few years ago in a draft. One of these days I am going to publish it in parts.

Moving Day

So today us the big day that he moves all of his stuff out of the apartment. He has been gone a month now. A month that has both dragged and flown in.

He packed his things on Friday after. Work. We had sex and it was amazing. And he stayed over. I know that if he wanted me back and we tried again it probably wouldn’t work. But that doesn’t really stop me from wanting him to want to come back. To me.

I miss him all the time. I even miss the hellish arguments, his controlling nature and his ability to make me feel like shit. I just miss him. Warts and all.

I feel on the way to work the other day. I have been jn bits since. I miss his ability to make me laugh through the pain.

I think I just thought that this day wouldn’t happen. I thought that in a month his mind would change and he would realise what a great life he had here with me. Note that I say the great life he had. I gave so much more to this relationship then he did. It just feels like the best I had wasn’t good enough.

Body and mind. Can I please do the no strings attached sex with him. Please. I just don’t want to lose all of him. I want to keep part of us all to myself.

One Step Forward. Two Steps Back

I got to the hate stage. My God it was great. Knowing that he has gone back to be the jerk he was before he met me after telling me that he is the best version of himself while with me stings.

 

Truth is. I felt great for days. Now I feel like shit again. What was the truth? Why is he treating me like I am the one that broke his heart? These are the things I am seriously struggling with.

I feel like I don’t know him. I feel like our whole relationship was a lie and I feel a bit sick that I shared a bed with someone that I know nothing about. I shared a home with a stranger.

Holiday

So the boy and myself have planned a holiday to Italy. Big deal I guess.

Problem is that last night we had a non-yelling, calm conversation where we told each other that we still loved each other but that we think we are over. But we are still going on holidays. It is kind of a big pain in the butt.

I just know that I can never get over the past. It is just whether or not the problems will ease. He is just such a goo liar that it is so hard to believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

This holiday will either be the end of us or the making of us. But hopefully, either way, it will be nice.

Changed

I have just realised how much has changed since I started this blog.

It was a travel journal. A way for me to map out my journey around America and then it was meant to document my life-changing move once I got home. Well you know what? I have had no life-changing move but I did have a life-changing journey.

I came back a new person and I met a new person. A person that I have had A LOT of rockyness with but someone that has made me believe in my dreams again.

He has made me believe that I am special and that I am one day going to get that boy, that marriage, that house, those babies, and live happily ever after.

He has lied to me… quite a few times. We are working on that. We have to because I am not ready to give him up. Who knows? He might well be The One.

It seems that he only ever realises the depth of his emotions towards me when faced with the prospect of loosing me. And I am not going to lie; there have been quite a few times that this has nearly happened. I have a trust issue (made worse by his lying) and this I am working on.

Any how. I am so happy when I am with him I feel like my chest is going to burst. I feel like such a different person to this time last year when I had a permanent black cloud over me and I was finding it hard to get out of bed.

I am blessed. Never let me forget this.