Ghosts and other beings

I think my apartment is haunted.  I call him Gerry. Gerry with a “G” is nice.  He has made some mistakes but he seems to be stuck here repenting them.  That’s how I feel about him anyway. 

I am not scared of Gerry.  Why would I be? People I meet every day walking around are more likely to cause me pain and anguish then anything that is stuck here even though they should be on another plain.

Now in fairness.  It is past 1am and I am fucking exhausted.  I can’t sleep and I am scared to dream.  I am going  to get really dark for a second too.  I kinda made a promise to myself that I will only keep doing this while my mam is around as losing me would kill her.  I hate that I think this way ever.  I hate that I have that dramatic element and I hate the fact that I am on the fence as to whether or not it is a attention thing (I haven’t told anyone btw) or if it is something that I actually will follow through on. 
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Things it is easy to forget

When I was at my lowest, after Stephen left and I found myself living alone I saw something in the amazing shop that is Penneys. It is a cushion. White with rainbow writing, “Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day”.

Now I am not usually one for inspirational quotes and especially not inspirational quotes on cushions, but this spoke to me, and I got it. I also got a rainbow blanket to match, and these things followed me over to Canada. They are on my rocking chair. I see them every day but they just don’t compute with me sometimes.

Today is one of those days. My life has turned into some sort of a shit storm if I am honest. I have been demoted in work. They are basically taking the one reason for me to be in this country away from me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my job. I loath it. I love my staff but I hate head office so much. I hate their lack of concern for the store, the fact that they have given me no support, now they ship in the new District Manager and instead of saying “What can I do to help?” they say “We are going to demote you to Assistant Manager again, back in your old store and bring someone new in”.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day on and off the phone to police trying to get them to warn my father to stay away from me and not harass me anymore. Now this.

I actually wonder how people get lives that just plod along. You know? Simple enough, no huge dramas, well maybe one or two but nothing like this. For me it is just BAM BAM BAM. I like to think that everything happens for a reason. But honestly? I am struggling to work out why the universe likes to just take a shit storm at my door every time I seem to get my life on some sort of track. I am half expecting to go into a Crohns flare. You know. Just because the universe can do that to me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know that so many people have it worse then me. But there are only so many times in my life that I can hear “It’s okay, you are a tough cookie, you will get through it.”

I AM NOT A FUCKING TOUGH COOKIE. I AM SENSITIVE AND FUCKING DROWNING HERE.

THE ONLY REASON THAT I WOULD BE CLASSED AS A TOUGH COOKIE IS BECAUSE LIFE LIKES TO FUCK ME OVER AND I HAVE NEVER HAD IT FUCKING EASY YOU FUCKING PRICKS.

I like to believe in karma, I really do. but seriously. I have not been a bad person. Maybe a couple of times I have hurt people, but I have felt so bad about it I have punished myself for that. What on earth can I do to get a stable life?

Living alone in a foreign country sucks. Like seriously sucks. Why the fuck?!

Two men. Two opinions.

There are two main men in my life right now. The guy from work and the guy I was seeing before that started.

I am back seeing him again. We went to the cinema and it was like old times. Just friends that kiss and occasionally spoon. So it was mentioned that we have been seeing each other for four months. We had a laugh. Then carried on like normal. See. Nothing had changed, we still liked each other, we still both knew where is was going (nowhere) and we still enjoyed each others company.

I left and got a text about how easygoing I am. It was nice. We are nice. It is just nice.

Today. The guy I work with basically tore my personality apart. Told me that he felt like he had made a lucky escape. I felt like my heart been completely grabbed. It was awful.

Instead of thinking about comments and things that I said in the short time we were dating, and since, in a way that he would think I would make them. Because. You know. He has known me for quite a while. So you would think that if he thought something dodge about something I had said, that he would have just asked me.

He thinks I play mind games. He thinks that I wanted too much. Accused me of forcing him into a corner. Putting times on things. Being a bitch.

Okay. I will hold my hands up to the bitch. But he really read into things. Saying that I would subtly rub my neck in the shop as a type of dig at him and such. Like seriously? Why would I bother?

I put a time line on things. He asked for time until he wasn’t working with me anymore. I said no. He said that could be a week. I said no. Why? Because he believes my words were meant to force and trap. I told him. Or think I told him. Or rather, I meant. That it wasn’t fair on the first guy? Why? Because I had already cancelled one set of plans with him and it would be mean to mess him around. Guy from work seems to think I said “I won’t wait for a week to decide, otherwise I will go back to my other guys”.

So yeah. Two guys. Two very differing opinions of me. Now. Who is right?

 

 

 

When cake is your only friend

I am thinking that maybe this is the start of the end. The end of my adventure here. I miss my friends. I miss my Mam.

I just really need people that know me. I really need a hug. I really need to know that I am safe.

I shouldn’t have tried to date my assistant manager. I shouldn’t have. But. And there is a big but. He is from home. He is a Galway guy. He is funny. We know the same things, we have the same Irish interests and we both moved here alone. He has a couple more people then me, but on the whole, we are each others best friends. We see each other more than we see anyone else.

It was bound to happen. Everyone knew it was going to happen. They would just see us together and know that there was something a tiny bit magical about it.

I am pretty sure he is in love with me. I love him as a friend anyway and I know that we both feel that. I feel like I ruined the best thing that I have here. Even though the sex went a bit weird.

He has convinced himself that he wants to be single for his time over here. I have messed this up, so he picked arguments and was a bit of a dick so that it would be easier for him to convince himself that it just wasn’t worth it. He has admitted this.

I haven’t got heart break. I have heart ache. Made worse by me seeing him all the time He has an interview and while I know it is best he gets it, I feel nauseous at the thought of not seeing him. Not speaking to him and hearing him laugh all the time.

I really miss home. I am angry that I have ruined a friendship and I really miss my life. I miss having people to call. I just miss being me.

Maybe I just need to go back for a visit. It has been six months. Maybe I need to just go home for two weeks and just re connect with things and remember how things weren’t that great over there.

Catching up and settling in

So. Yeah. I have moved. I have my own place now and I am completely in love with it. Slightly bored the odd time but generally I am incredibly happy here. It is a little attic apartment/studio that is ALL MINE. It is quiet and cheap and warm. What more could I ask for really?

One thing I guess. For it not to be three blocks from where Big lives, and three blocks from where Big works. Awkward.

So my Aussie friend has been getting into my head. I don’t think she means to but being the mutual friend of myself and Bigs puts her in this situation that she just doesn’t seem to know what to do with it. Myself and my Indian friend came to the conclusion that maybe Aussie unintentionally lead to our relationship breaking down. Because lets face it, the amount of information, both verbal and non-verbal that I have gotten from her about Big since the breakup has driven me mad. Maybe we were both getting this when we were together too.

She told him I had been to the hospital! She told me he was upset about me deleting him from Facebook. All this information. So much he said, she said. It is too much.

Anyways. I ran into Big. I saw him today and I just knew that we HAD to talk.

So we did. I still feel quite deeply for him I think. I believe that I am still in shock about it all. Shock isn’t fun. I don’t think I have ever been so blindsided by anyone in my life and I never want to be again. But whatever. I saw him and survived it. I am alive and we both want to tell Aussie to stay out of things. So that is good. Now I don’t have to be the bad guy.

When sparks just fly

So you might be able to tell, but I am going through my archived drafts and seeing if there is anything that I am enjoying reading enough to publish. This is basically how I met Big. This was written back in August and I was loving having him in my life. Obviously, that has changed. It is still taking some getting used to if I am really honest. Our mutual friend isn’t really making it easy for me either. She keeps on feeding me information and feeding him information on me. I deleted him from Facebook for my mental well being. Seemingly this upset him greatly. He thought we were friends, she set him straight and said that he hasn’t actually made an effort to be friends at all and that I probably needed to do it so it didn’t hurt ME to see his life still. A life that he chose that I was no longer going to be a part of. She also told him that I had been in hospital. This upset him greatly. But even after these conversations happened on Friday night. Guess what? He hasn’t contacted me. I guess it was drunken 2am chatting but in the cold harsh light of day the next day, he didn’t want to think about me and deal with whatever he is dealing with. I won’t (and cannot) message him anyway. I haven’t his number and it would be putting my friend in an awkward situation anyway.

I am also kinda seeing someone at the moment. We have decided to keep it chilled. I believe we can both see other people (but aren’t). We are just going on dates and hanging out really. It is nice. However, I have gone from the world’s largest, to the worlds pokiest (I may have slept with Tipp again) and now possibly the world’s smallest penis. Okay, well not ever, but you know. I got that sinking feeling. But he is a lovely guy and we have great craic so if it isn’t serious there is no harm keeping on keeping on. So without further ado; his is the original post.

I told Tipp that it was done today. I am ready to either not date and put time into only myself and friends or only date guys that I deem special enough to spend my time on.

So Tinder is gone and I am done with dating. Or so I thought.

Disney party. Sparks flew. A friend of a friend and I kissed and hugged all night long. He was mad about me from the get go and I am certainly getting there.

He has this brutal honesty, no bullshit, kind and caring personality, mixed in with geek. And a HUGE PENIS.

I stayed over in his house last week (so that makes twice sleeping – and I mean sleeping – with him in one week) and his sister is now here. But I met her and am staying at his again on Wednesday. I have all the butterflies.